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PE Films

UCOMM Offices Defaced on Labor Day

Payback from the alt-right has made our headquarters a crime scene

Kris LaGrange's picture
Sep 03, 2019

Over the Labor Day weekend, UCOMM was violated. The trademark sign that adorns our Long Island office was ripped off our window, leaving just a sliver of the sign to wave in the wind. After we discovered this atrocity, UCOMM launched an investigation, with the help of the local police. Here are the suspects.

Barstool Sports: Simple vandalism like this seems right up these guys alley. UCOMM has been at war with them since their idiot leader Dave Portnoy tweeted out a series of anti-union threats towards his employees. Now, just a few weeks later, our office which is less than one block from a popular summer vacation area on Long Island was vandalized, it seems suspicious to us. “It could be Barstool Sports,” said Ryan Birch. “Those NYC folks love to go to the ferry and walk by our offices.”

InfoWars and the Alt-Right: It is no secret that UCOMM is not a fan of Trump or the alt-right. Almost every day since Trump has been in office, we have sent him a tweet encouraging him to resign. So, it wouldn’t be a surprise if someone like Alex Jones, of InfoWars, or one of his internet trolls left their parent’s basement and actually took action. It wouldn’t be the first time, remember Pizzagate? “I blame our old intern Sarker for leaving our location in a blog post and my poor editing decision,” larceny crime victim Kris LaGrange said. “This is why I never like to say where our offices are.”

Local Republican Club and/or local Republican elected officials: UCOMM has previously admitted that every Christmas we make a donation to the local Republican club in the form of our Christmas tree. We expect that every year they graciously accept it and have been turning it into lumber for Trump’s border wall, but maybe this wasn’t the case. UCOMM has also had a few run-ins with some of our local elected officials, like Congressman Peter King and Lee Zeldin so there is no love lost between us. Maybe Congressman King ripping down our sign was payback.

Drunken Hipsters: Here at UCOMM we have had our fair share of interns. Some, like Dan Hinton and Sarker, have been good and left on positive terms, but quite a few just couldn’t hack it and left on bad terms. Maybe one got drunk and decided to get a little revenge?

In all likelihood though, it was probably a drunk hipster. Our town has a lot of local bars and we all know that people do dumb stuff when they are drunk. There are a few squirrly hipsters, like LaGrange’s former tenant, who like to drink a little too much and hang out near our office.

While everyone here at UCOMM is shocked and appalled by this blatant act of vandalism, we do appreciate all of our reader's thoughts and prayers as we try to get through this very trying time.

All along the crime route, UCOMM's likeness was destroyed.

These obvious fingerprints were lifted and sent to the lab.

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